Late Night Transparency
I usually like to try to stay pretty positive on this blog, but if this blog is going to be used to help others and to serve as a type of journal for me down the line, I need to be honest and transparent. Although I have a prayer journal, and that is where most of my mind ramblings to God go, my hand is too lazy to write and prefers typing out and trying to sort the mess that is my mind right now...
I am tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Perhaps spiritually. While I wish to not go into specific details, just know that this little lady needs a break! I cannot lie and say that school is not stressing me out, because it is. While I am absolutely not failing, I am not making straight A's either. I feel like I can never catch up. This is due at the same time that is due, which also happens to be the day one of the three groups I am in wants to meet up. I have an agenda/planner that seems to be just as forgetful as I am. I'm up late doing homework and wake up early to finish it. I don't know why it is getting to me now, in my fifth year, but whew!
Being engaged is AHHMAZINGGG but, planning a wedding takes so much of your time! Why isn't there a course on THAT?! Good Lord, if it wasn't for theknot.com and amazing friends and family, I would be up the creek without a paddle! Speaking of The Knot, while that little checklist is a Godsend, the date countdown (58 more days!) is adding to my stress. I have 58 more days to get what seems like a million things done. Fifty-eight more days to try to prepare to become Mrs. King (I LOOOOOVE saying that!). Fifty-eight more days of super faith training and trusting in God the way I have never trusted in Him before (more on that later). Actually, since it's a little past 10:30 p.m., it is more like 57 more days until the wedding...which is totally adding to this huge headache of mine.
Speaking of headaches, is it normal to have a headache everyday for the past month? Not the tiny ones, but the huge migraines that you wake up to and go to bed with. No? I didn't think so either. But I am chalking that up to the lack of sleep and the craziness that is my life right now...
Though this season is hard, I am learning how to just fully lean and rely on Jesus. I am learning that He is my Immanuel ("God with us") when I am feeling super alone. He is my Bread of Life when I am hungry physically and spiritually; He is more than able and willing to take care of my needs. He is my Physician. He is my Lamb, providing mercy, forgiveness, and love when I feel too filthy to come to God. He is so faithful, so good, so loving...
The Potter is putting some intense pressure on this clay, but I know it's temporary in order for the vessel to be adequately fashioned for its purpose. Months ago I asked God to lead me where my trust is without borders, and He is being ever so faithful to that request.
If you've made it this far, thanks for sitting in on my rambling! And I also appreciate all and any prayers!
Love you, sis!
Tiffany