Seeking Shock Value
Being a part of the Admin team at my job, my job description basically requires that I constantly smile and be friendly. That surely isn't a problem for I feel I have a gift in that department. But the problem comes when my coworkers constantly remark on how sweet and nice I am. Totally a compliment by most people's standards, but not so much to me. Why do those comments bother me so much? Let me back it up a little.
Growing up, I was always the goody girl who rarely got in trouble: I didn't lie to my parents, I didn't drink, I didn't curse, I was a virgin, I went to and was involved in church, I read the Bible, I got great grades (I'm talking I seriously cried if I got a B... on a progress report card). My parents loved me, teachers loved me, old people loved me, my peers....eh, the verdict was still out on that one (until I got to high school). Long story short, I was so tired of being the good girl! Like, I could be bad too! I remember at my 8th grade dance, I danced with a boy for the first time, and let me tell you it wasn't much different from what you would see in music videos or at the club. My classmates were so shocked. "Is that Tiffany dancing like that?! Who knew she could twerk like that?" (Ugh, I was seriously proud of that moment, too!).
Little did I know was that that was the green light I was looking for to get more praise and acceptance by showing people there was more to this good girl. I had an edge. Sure I went to church and got good grades, but I read those dirty novels and talked about sex (although I was absolutely inexperienced) just like everyone else. I knew the lyrics to the nastiest and most explicit songs. Fast forward to college and while I still looked like the good girl on the outside, I was proud to also be the girl who danced all night at the parties and clubs, got drunk, smoked weed, and eventually had Toby live with me for three months in my tiny dorm. To be honest, I never really liked doing most of those things; but I LOVED the attention it got me. I loved the double takes people would make when they saw the quiet, sweet girl in class later that night partaking in a puff-puff-pass session. I loved when people would ask me if I wanted to listen to Taylor Swift and I would request Kendrick Lamar, and then they sit there shocked as I rapped along with such conviction. The bigger the shock value, the better! It was totally Beyonce and Sasha Fierce. It was people bondage at it's finest, folks.
So what does this have to do with last week? Do I miss those days? Am I proud that I did those things? No, but I felt it try to creep in my heart last week. The first time I noticed it was when one of coworkers said, "Tiffany, you're just sweet and such a good girl." Next thing I know, I find myself saying, "trust me, I am not that sweet..." and then try to find ways to prove my bad side! Like, huh? If I am supposed to be a follower and imitator of Christ, why would I want to try to proudly show people the opposite of Him? Not to say that I should be fake and act perfect because a) I am so not, and never will be, and b) my imperfections point to the reason why I need a Savior in the first place. But I felt that little seed of darkness try to take root and think of ways I can shock my coworkers and have them go "oh, sweet Tiffany does that?"
Isn't that so crazy? It's frustrating! But it also showed me that I constantly need to feed myself with the Word and remember to think on things that are noble, pure, and true (Philippians 4:8). I have to remember that the path to those things that I used to partake in lead to separation from God and eternal death. And that's why I am so excited to start the Proverbs challenge this Thursday ( I mentioned it here). Not only will it help me get back in the habit of being intentional with my time with God, but it will also help remind me that although the path most people take and that my heart sometimes longs for is wide and accepted, it leads to destruction. Yet there is life, eternal life, in taking that narrow road to follow Christ, who willingly took the wrath of God for all of my sin (and yours too) on that rugged Cross so that we could be with Him forever. This isn't about simply being sweet, but about putting on the likeness of Christ. The shock value I should be after now is people seeing how Christ has done a mighty work in me, so that they seek Him and let Him do a mighty work in them.
Well, this was a little tough to write, and I feel a bit exposed! But let me know if any of you out there sometimes get that tug in your heart to go back to what God has brought you from. How do you bring yourself back?