Our Baby Journey

I’ve wrestled with sharing this story since it happened almost a year ago. It’s been almost a year, and while at times it feels like our miscarriage happened lifetimes ago, I can still remember every detail as if it happened yesterday.

By this time last year, Toby and I had been passively trying for a baby since March (by that, I mean we stopped preventing pregnancy). By the time we got to September 2015, I was getting nervous because we weren’t pregnant yet. The following month, I left the doctor’s office feeling that I would never have children (that was nowhere near my doctor’s diagnosis; I just let those defeating thoughts convince me that I was incapable of getting pregnant). Soon after, I decided that it was time to actively try to get pregnant.

Even after trying my hardest, I didn’t think we’d get pregnant right away so I was completely shocked when I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test a few days after my missed period in November. I immediately woke up Toby and thrust the test in his sleepy face asking if he saw two pink lines. I was in such disbelief that I had my mom and best friends convincing me that I was indeed pregnant! Just to be sure, I took another test when I got home from work. I was definitely pregnant!

Lord, this is finally happening for me!

While I was excited, I still struggled with doubt.

Fast forward to that following Friday and I started having painful cramps and spotting. My mom, friends, the doctor and nurses in the ER assured me that it was quite normal for some mamas-to-be. I tried to just relax and stay positive, but I was a worried, nervous wreck on the inside. Sunday came, and Toby and I took my sister to an Andy Mineo concert that night for her birthday. I tried my hardest to not worry, but the whole time at the concert, I felt that something wasn’t right. I ran straight to the bathroom when we returned home that night.

As soon as I saw the blood on the toilet paper, I knew. 

I just knew.

 To be honest, this has got to be the worse memory from the whole miscarriage. I can literally still feel the instant heartbreak and panic. Toby walked into the room and all I could do was hold up the soiled tissue and sob. We immediately went to the ER, where I was poked, prodded, and inspected. I remember laying on that bed in the ultrasound room with hot, crocodile tears streaming down my face as the tech focused on the screen before her.

God, how could this happen me? Why me?!

No one told me anything until the end. Finally, at 1:30 a.m. we were told that although my pregnancy hormones were doubling like they were supposed to, the fact that it was still too early to see anything on the ultrasound and that I was bleeding put me into the threatened miscarriage category, meaning that my body was threatening to miscarry, and the pregnancy could go either way. So I went home without any concrete answers.

By the time December came, my numbers were no longer doubling. I knew I was losing our child. 

Our child. Just saying that breaks my heart. 

After leaving work early because I was experiencing the most intense pain and cramps I have ever felt in my entire life, Toby and my mom rushed me to the ER where it was finally confirmed: I was passing Baby King. I have never been through something so hard physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It took me months to get over my anger with God. It was quite a while before I even talked to Him.

How could He do this to us? Why was everyone else getting babies but us? Why our child? Why did He think we were strong enough for this? Lord, I am not strong enough. I can’t do this…

In the months that followed, God has taught me so much of who we are and of who He is. This good girl finally got angry at God. This woman of faith finally had to question everything she’s ever believed in concerning God and the Gospel. I got to finally see if I truly thought Jesus alone was enough for me. We finally got to see our marriage fight through and survive one of the hardest things a marriage could go through. I finally got to see that God could handle my anger and all of my raw emotions. I got to see God as my Father who is near when His children are brokenhearted, and who genuinely cares about our broken heartedness. I got to see just what God’s hands and feet look like through our amazing church community.

To be honest, a huge part of me doesn’t want to be so vulnerable and share this part of our lives. It is much easier to act like I’m over our loss. It is much easier to tell people that we aren’t ready for a baby right now, when I’ve been longing to hold our precious babe in my arms. It is much easier to tell people that I’ve just been busy with work and under a lot of stress, when I honestly don’t know why we haven’t gotten pregnant since the miscarriage. It’s much easier to thank those for their helpful advice, when all I want to do is scream that I could care less if they think I should relax and stop thinking about it, or that we should try this and that. It is much easier to boast in my accomplishments, when I struggle with feelings of inadequacy.

But I am also learning that easy doesn’t always mean it’s the best option. Easy doesn’t scream for my need for Christ. Easy, at least in this case, doesn’t display the beautiful work God is doing in my messy, sinful heart daily. Easy keeps me from falling on my knees daily re-surrendering my control, desires, timetables, and plans at the foot of the cross.  But hard and messy shows real life. Even though I am in the thick of such a messy, messy season, it’s in this mess I pray that you can see glimpses of the beautiful work of the Gospel…

So this is our journey so far. Are we pregnant right now? No. But what the Lord is doing in my life right now, although it’s hard, is so sweet. He has been encouraging me in so many amazing ways. He truly has my best interest at heart, and right now, His best for me is to currently not be a mom. I have to trust that not being a mom right now is better for me than being a mom in this season.

 He is showing me that He is all I need. While it’s perfectly okay to strongly desire to have our Baby King, nothing will ever completely satisfy my soul like Jesus can. I wouldn’t change this journey for anything. Through this and no matter where this journey takes us, I truly believe that He’s a good, good Father.