THERE’S LIGHT AT THE END OF BABY BLUES POSTPARTUM

I was asked last month, during Maternal Mental Health Week, to share my baby blues/ postpartum anxiety story. I say both baby blues and postpartum anxiety because I believe I was walking a fine line between both. 

In all transparency, I worried about developing postpartum depression while I was pregnant with Elijah. I’ve battled with tiny bouts of depression a couple of times in college, and I was totally afraid of experiencing anything near that once Eli came. But despite having a bit of a rough pregnancy physically, I was doing pretty well mentally and emotionally.

Looking back, I can pinpoint when the baby blues started - right after delivery - and what contributed to it (besides hormones, of course). For one, while I was able to deliver vaginally and bring a healthy baby into this world, my birth plan did not go according to, well, plan! Then, what seemed like as soon as I got Eli into my arms, our room was filled with about eight family members and friends! I thought that’s what I wanted because I wanted to be surrounded by all of those who are important to Toby and I during such a special occasion, but all I felt was this overwhelming amount of anxiety as everyone hovered around us and Eli screamed as I tried to latch him on to my breast for the first time. The next couple of days in the hospital were similar in that our room constantly had guests, and I continued to struggle breastfeeding Eli. (I know for next time to just have Toby, Elijah and I, and have guests see the new baby later.)

The day we left the hospital, I was filled with anxiety.

You mean I have to take this baby home and take care of him without a nurse?! Are you sure I can do this? 

This picture is ROUGH.

The next few days, weeks, and months I felt like I was in a fog. I was so in love with my baby boy, but I was miserable. My body and hormones were adjusting to just having delivered a baby, I wasn’t getting sleep, breastfeeding wasn’t going well, I was anxious about germs and accidents and SIDS, we were going to many doctor appointments for Eli’s tongue tie, lip tie, and hearing test (my little firecracker refused to cooperate in the hospital, ha! He eventually passed with flying colors), and we were trying to navigate being on one income. In my mind, I was failing and failing miserably. I spent multiple times of the day crying. The first day Toby went back to work, I cried and watched the clock. I was so anxious! It became normal for Toby to call me at 4 p.m. to let me know he was on his way home, and if he had to stop somewhere or get home a little later, best believe it was a big friggin’ deal! 

All of these feelings took me by surprise. I mean, I’m the oldest of four children, and I’ve helped raise my youngest brother. I’ve been around babies enough to feel comfortable around them. I prayed and prayed and prayed for my sweet little Eli. That last sentence made me feel so guilty. I was afraid to admit I was suffering because here I was struggling and feeling down about a baby I prayed and begged God for. I felt like I was being ungrateful. I felt like I was slapping God and all of those who wished and prayed to become a mama in the face because I wasn’t fully content and overjoyed. Again, I love my Elijah with all of my heart and with a love I just can’t explain, but I just wasn’t happy. Especially because my expectations of bliss, happiness, and perfection didn’t meet my reality.

But thank God I eventually got better. I remember the day Eli turned three months old, a sister from church asked how I was doing in terms of motherhood, and I replied with "Better! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel." And I truly meant that. While everything wasn't perfect after that, and I still struggled some days, I felt like I was able to function and really do this motherhood thing. 

Today, I am doing much better, and feel like I am almost back to my old self (I know that I will never truly get back to pre-baby self, and I am okay with that). In the next post, I will share things that helped me get through those sad days and tips on how to cope and get help. But for now, I just want ed to share my story, to show new mamas that they're not alone and to share what the American Pregnancy Association considers as baby blues versus postpartum depression:

Baby blues are usually mild in nature and last for a few days to up to about two weeks. It is usually postpartum depression (PPD) when these very normal blues last longer than two weeks and intensify. Symptoms of postpartum depression include extreme mood swings, frequent crying, insomnia, lack of appetite, lack of emotion, etc. (this is not an exhaustive list)

This is why I feel like I was walking a thin line between baby blues and postpartum depression/ anxiety because my symptoms did last longer than two weeks, but I also don't remember experiencing many of the symptoms on the PPD list. Who knows? All I know is that by the grace of God, I made it through. And you will too! Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Also, I'd be honored to pray for anyone struggling right now in motherhood. Feel free to reach out to me in the comments below, or DM me on Instagram.

Also: I am not a licensed or professional therapist or doctor. If you feel like you are struggling with PPD (or even if you think it's just baby blues), please reach out to your doctor, therapist, counselor, etc. to get the proper help. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your mental health is important. If you or someone you know is in a crisis or struggling with suicidal attempts or thoughts please seek immediate help and/or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.